Yesterday

Christmas just doesn't come without the bittersweet anymore. I've gone back and forth about writing this, but I can't seem to let it alone. Yesterday Matt dropped in on us out of the blue. We knew he was in jail - he was there about a week. We were both pretty much on our way out to work. We gave him food - breakfast and a bag of portable stuff. We gave him money that we'd set aside for his Christmas. We gave him the new shoes his grandma had bought him for Christmas. We let him take a shower and gave him a bag of toiletries. Then Jim drove him to his probation officer and went on his way.

He doesn't seem to have changed. It wrenches my heart to keep him so much on the outside of our lives, but he only brings chaos when we let him in, and now we have small children in the house that don't need to witness it. Matt can make better choices, but I'm afraid those choices won't be available to him too much longer. And he doesn't seem inclined to do one thing differently. He needs or prayers, but I think that's all the support we have for him now.

In the meantime, Jim and I spent the day feeling wounded and wishing there were another way of handling it. The good news, I guess, is that we did handle it and went on with our lives. Thanks for being there, everyone.

Quiet Christmas

Christmas day is drawing to a close, and I think it was one of the most peaceful we've ever had. Not everything was perfect. There were members missing from the family circle. Little kids got cranky and a little overexcited. But it was nice. Each of us ended the day feeling like it had been wonderful. No thoughts of unfulfilled wishes and a lot of understanding that Christmas is for being together and appreciating what we have.

Mike and Scott, we missed you. I hope your day was also filled with joy and peace. Know that you are loved.

Reading Goal

I realized today that there was a goal buried deep in my heart - I really thought I could easily read 100 books in the year 2010. Well, unless I spend the next week and a half reading, I'm not going to make it.

So for the coming year it's official: I WILL read at least 100 books. I will save myself from countless hours of watching mindless tv. I will read at night to relax, maybe freeing me from the need to plug into my Ipod to get to sleep. And I will make some headway on the ever-growing list of books I want to read.

Anyone want to join me in the challenge?

I Do Like Rainy Days

I do like rainy days. I do like rainy days.

Except when it's the weekend and the kids are not in school. If we'd been smart, we would have let the go outside in rainboots and get wet. That's why we have rainboots, right? Instead we're stuck with two wiggle worms who can't possibly go to sleep because they've been inside all day. You'd think I'd know, huh.

Oh, well. Back to the Y and daycare tomorrow.

So This Is Christmas

After three bouts with the flu, it has been feeling like Christmas just wasn't going to get done this year. So many things to finish. The house to clean. Packages to mail. Decorating that we always do still sitting in boxes.

But then I noticed a few little things. Mackenzie singing "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" the minute she gets out of bed. Christian counting the days. Children staring out the front window at the neighbors' Christmas lights. Christian singing along to Christmas music on the Ipod when he's going to sleep.

Christmas is here. If we don't do another thing, we're all set. What I have to do is to let go of what "perfect" Christmases were in the past and appreciate the one we have right now.

Giving Thanks

Yesterday was one of the most restful Thanksgivings I can remember. The last couple of holiday seasons have been difficult. Holidays have always meant family time together, wild and noisy, and our little Southern California sector of the family just seemed to get smaller and smaller. On more than one occasion, I've found myself thinking, "This isn't what I thought it would be." The picture in my head and heart has always been of children and grandchildren gathering together, and in today's world, that just isn't possible very often.

But a new holiday feeling is emerging. Our family circle has expanded to include my stepsister and her husband, who have not often been there to celebrate with us. What started out uncomfortable is now becoming pleasant. It's like new life has been injected into our family group. We all had such a good time this Thanksgiving. (Mom maybe less so, as she washed all the pans.) This was the first year in a long time that we all sat down at the Thanksgiving table together, not spread across two rooms. The grandchildren were respectful of the holiday feeling, pretty good manners at the table, eager to have their part in the holiday. The food was really good, and I think everyone felt appreciated.

A real Thanksgiving memory was established. Thanks, Mom, for having all of us. It will be wonderful when some of the rest of you can join us. Other than that, I wouldn't change a thing.

I can't wait for Christmas!

I Don't Have All of the Answers

I really love my kids and I've worked hard to be there for them, whatever the need. But, you know what? I don't have all the answers. And if I spend all of my time trying to figure out how to solve their problems, when will they either learn to find their own solutions or decide to live with the consequences of their choices. So from this moment on, I will strive to be the cheerleader. I might look a little silly out there jumping up and down, but I'll bet my heart will be lighter if I trust them to take that next step themselves.